Sometimes I make mistakes and I don’t really know how to fix them.
It’s been a long while since I wrote a sincere blog post about my life and about my thoughts. It’s been a rough ride over the past couple months. We all have those periods in our lives where we just feel like we’ve hit rock bottom, the low of the low — and it’s straight up hard.
This was where I was at last semester. I lacked the happiness that I so longingly desired and strived for every day. I wasn’t the happy person that I once was, or that I once thought I was. I was bitter and angry and most of all, I was prideful. Not in my work, not in my interactions or in my successes, but in the way I treated others. I felt like the circumstances in which I found myself were not of my doing, that they were thrust upon me like good or evil in a comic book and I couldn’t stop them from controlling my thoughts or the way I behaved.
“A man’s pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit.” // Proverbs 29:23
As I’ve always said, personal happiness shouldn’t depend on other people’s behavior towards you, and though I find this to still ring true, when you’re in the situation where choices are made and you become angry towards actions taken to distance yourself from others, you begin to blame everyone but yourself. You begin to say that you’ve tried, you’ve done your best, you know where you stand with them. This is also true. However. This doesn’t justify thoughts or actions of disapproval or even hatred. God forgives so why don’t we.
It’s so incredibly hard to let some things go. I cherish friendship beyond anything in the world, really, and I’m slowly learning that sometimes burning bridges is the only way to keep from drowning. Isn’t that the worst feeling in the world? But I keep turning to pride to answer my questions. To keep me sane and to place blame on others. I need to take my own advice and remove myself from pointing fingers. That will get me no where and I will continue to stay in the rut that I’ve been in.
“When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom.” // Proverbs 11:2
It’s was like a slap in the face when I came to this conclusion but sometimes that’s just what we need. Pride causes contention and contention is not of God. Pride, both in theory and in actuality, brings out the side in us that refuses to acknowledge that we’ve done anything wrong, that we are above blame and that we are better than that.
I thought I had it engrained in my mind that my happiness was solid, it was my rock, but when rough times came along, I blamed myself for being selfish and inconsiderate. I realized that was uncalled for because I still cherish interactions with others, so I began blaming other people, more specifically one individual whom I love dearly. This was also uncalled for. Maybe in some ways it was justifiable to the every day man, however, if I’m constantly trying to be my best self, is it okay to do this?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know.
Honestly, I don’t really know what I’m trying to say other than I’m sorry.